My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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