Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
