If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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