I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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