we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
