I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
