Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
