When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dear god my vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
