So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
