Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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