so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
