dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
