so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
