Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
