my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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