Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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