I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
