I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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