I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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