he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
