She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
