My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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