Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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