The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
