This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
