i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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