In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
