Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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