She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
