Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
