wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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