mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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