I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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