Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
