I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
