u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
