My room smells like vodka and shame
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
