I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
