it hurts more in the daytime
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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