and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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