What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
