she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Randomize
