I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
