Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...