I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
