Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?