Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.