I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.