Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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