me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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