I just cut my nipple shaving
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
