something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
