Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize