Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
