U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Who died my cat blue again?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
