capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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