They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
