I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
