Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
