I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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